Seriously?? Does every man NOT have it together until they are 40? Ladies with more experience than I, can you please answer that question for me?? What happens on Plant Mars that makes their species so foreign to me?
If you can't tell, I'm feeling a little discouraged in the human race, especially the percentage that are MEN! Not just men though. Some of the ladies are pretty lost too... (Work in a 'cool, new, hip' restaurant for a night and you will know what I am talking about.) I'm having thoughts of being so alone and separate from others right now. It's like I don't even belong on the Earth- like I am here at the wrong time. I feel like a 45 year-old soul and a 35 year-old mind in a 25 year-old body. Totally confused. Don't get me wrong, I actually like my thought process, and I like how I am today, but it's like my puzzle piece just doesn't fit with the rest of the 25 year-old pieces. And I even try to move to an "older" puzzle, and it STILL doesn't fit!! It really truly only feels like it fits intellectually into waaaay older puzzles, and sometimes, on the very rare occasion, I find a piece that is born into the younger puzzle like me, but is lost and wondering too, trying to find the right fit.
I feel like this, and my life reflects it. I shut out friends and lovers. I often tell myself that other people 'just don't get it'. That they are not on 'the level' that I would like them to be. I have a hard time opening up to people and letting them into my daily life- but I'm really really good at keeping tons of aquaintances. :) So this brings me to my real question for the night- Is it all an illusion?? Am I making this all up in my 35 year-old head, or is it really true that I just don't connect well with people because we truly ARE on a different level and they just don't get it?!?!
I kinda believe both. I believe I can definietly make stories up in my head about people or situations. I believe my mind can run on and on about something that is not true. I believe that some of what I think is an illusion, yes. I believe I can have a bad thought about someone/thing one day and have a good thought about the same thing the next. That case supports the illusion theory.
On the other hand, I also know what it feels like when I resonate with someone or with some situation and it feels REALLY good. It feels like it fits. I've had those experiences many many times- but they are more rare. This is what makes me know deep down that I fit somewhere- into some puzzle!! Just not right now, and it doesn't feel very good.
Instead of sinking deeper and deeper (which is easy to do-- that's why so many people are on anti-depressants and anxiety medicines), I'm going to fight the freaking battle. I'm going to try my hardest to honor myself. To question my thoughts. And to speak with grace and INTEGRITY for what I truly believe is right. To live from a place of love, even if it means pointing out to someone that their head is not screwed on straight at the moment. The loving thing is to help them straighten it as much as they will let you. When it can't get any more straight, it's time to walk away.
I'm making a call to the universe... once again... please PLEASE show me that there are people out there that get it. People who I can resonate with so I don't have to feel like my expectations are too high. Really, I don't think they are. They're not too hard to meet. All I want is for people to live with truth and integrity and responsibility. Is that too much to ask?? I know that if I hold on to expectations, I will still suffer. But I'm ok with that right now. I need some more faith in the human race before I can let that go. I will keep looking for it until I find it...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Night #1
As most of you know, Mr. Patrick and I have started the process of living single lives. However, up until tonight we have continued to share the same roof, food, toothpaste and Bo Jangles. Tonight is Night #1- of sleeping in different beds, under different roofs. (Luckily for me, I still have Bo at my feet chewing his bone.)
Now its not like I have never been through a breakup, but it is true that I haven't slept alone in quite some time. Depending on what tribe you are in, you might say, "Well that's not so bad- I do it every night." Or on the flip side, "I couldn't imagine my partner being gone!" I feel like I am somewhere in the middle of the two. I'm truly OK with it. Knowing that I have no one to come home to and cuddle with is disheartening. I'm a woman for God's sake! I like the love and companionship that relationships have to offer. Most of all, I really do love Patrick and am going to miss him dearly. I know the pain of the loss fades with time, and that gives me hope. However, today, I got a little more than hope- I got some motivation. Much, much needed motivation.
Each week, the Sacramento News and Review has a weekly horoscope that I swear on Bo Jangles' life is always right on to the tee. This week, it basically said that Socrates gave up everything to discover his soul. This too must be my path right now. It recommended that I tear away everything that is keeping me from seeing my deep inner being. How fitting. Of course. Of course it would say that!!! Of course I would read that today and of course it just happens to be the day that Mr. P is no longer sleeping next to me. The day that "something" goes away, so I can take a look at myself- alone. Well, I better get used to it. Hawaii is going to be a place of beauty, new experiences, and for some reason I'm seeing some solitude as well. I agree with the horoscope. It is much needed for me. I spend so much time looking for human interaction- mainly because I simply like it. But also because there is that part of me that just doesn't feel comfortable with being alone.
And so it begins. This next chapter of my book walking the path with me, myself and I. The horoscope motivated me because that message only solidified what I already knew. Deep down, I know this breakup happened because I need to go explore! And P needs to stay home and ground. So, that's what we are doing. We are both honoring those little butterflies in our tummies that are telling us each what direction to turn next. Thank our guardian angels for yelling loud enough for us to hear and the butterfly wings fluttering fast enough for us to feel!
Bo Jangles is snoring. Its time to count some sheep. Thanks for listening. Xo.
Now its not like I have never been through a breakup, but it is true that I haven't slept alone in quite some time. Depending on what tribe you are in, you might say, "Well that's not so bad- I do it every night." Or on the flip side, "I couldn't imagine my partner being gone!" I feel like I am somewhere in the middle of the two. I'm truly OK with it. Knowing that I have no one to come home to and cuddle with is disheartening. I'm a woman for God's sake! I like the love and companionship that relationships have to offer. Most of all, I really do love Patrick and am going to miss him dearly. I know the pain of the loss fades with time, and that gives me hope. However, today, I got a little more than hope- I got some motivation. Much, much needed motivation.
Each week, the Sacramento News and Review has a weekly horoscope that I swear on Bo Jangles' life is always right on to the tee. This week, it basically said that Socrates gave up everything to discover his soul. This too must be my path right now. It recommended that I tear away everything that is keeping me from seeing my deep inner being. How fitting. Of course. Of course it would say that!!! Of course I would read that today and of course it just happens to be the day that Mr. P is no longer sleeping next to me. The day that "something" goes away, so I can take a look at myself- alone. Well, I better get used to it. Hawaii is going to be a place of beauty, new experiences, and for some reason I'm seeing some solitude as well. I agree with the horoscope. It is much needed for me. I spend so much time looking for human interaction- mainly because I simply like it. But also because there is that part of me that just doesn't feel comfortable with being alone.
And so it begins. This next chapter of my book walking the path with me, myself and I. The horoscope motivated me because that message only solidified what I already knew. Deep down, I know this breakup happened because I need to go explore! And P needs to stay home and ground. So, that's what we are doing. We are both honoring those little butterflies in our tummies that are telling us each what direction to turn next. Thank our guardian angels for yelling loud enough for us to hear and the butterfly wings fluttering fast enough for us to feel!
Bo Jangles is snoring. Its time to count some sheep. Thanks for listening. Xo.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Teachers and Films
I found myself today asking "Why!?" so many times. Why this? Why that? Why is this happening? Why is the effin sky blue? Why do I get myself into certain situations that turn out to be disappointment after disappointment? (Not always. There have been many successes too... The disappointments just seem to spark the question more often.) I've asked this question my whole life, especially in Junior year Algebra II. Ugh. The ONLY answer I could come up with is simply: Teachers. Teaching me about others and most importantly about myself. About the truth and about reality. I guess I am cursed with the never-ending seek for knowledge- for the truth.
Then my next question: "WHY??!?!" Why do I need to learn these certain lessons while others seem to skate right on past??? Dharma. It must be. We all have our own paths to walk.
A few months ago, I was hangin with Maureen, getting deep into philosophical conversation like we always do, and she posed to me a great point-of-view to consider. What if we saw our lives as the observer rather than the actor. Like how we watch films of TV shows. There is always a storyline. Always a setting. There is always a climax. A romance. A lesson learned. A moral to the story. A laugh. A cry. (Well, not always), but you get what I mean. And there is always an ending. One picture perfect, carefully thought-out story with depth, twists, turns, loop-de-loops and smooth sailing. The good thing is, it all always ends up ok. Even if someone dies, its ok. Life goes on. Even in the romance ends, its ok. They move on. And ALWAYS: the lesson is learned. The moral of the story is told. As the observer, we take what we get from the footage and we keep going forward. If only it was this easily applicable to our own lives.
All too often, we see ourselves as the actor, right in the thick of it all. The relationships, twists and turns. The plot, climax and ending. What if, just what if, we could be the observer amongst being the actor. What if we could remove ourselves enough while in solitude to reflect on the day as if it were our own film? We are the star. What if we could watch, laugh, cry (well, not always), learn the lesson and the moral and move on? Totally possible, right?? Sounds easy on paper, right?? Ok. Let's apply.
Sit quietly. Close your eyes. Reflect on the day. The conversations. The interactions. The distractions. Alone time. Work time. Friend time. Things that made you laugh. Cry. Smile. Feel. Mmmmmm. What kind of movie is it when you watch the playback? Is it a comedy, thriller, romance, documentary?? Most of all- do you like what you see? Do you like the main character? Do you fall in love with them just like I fall in love with Froto each night I watch Lord of the Rings?? :)
Seriously. This is cool. To be the observer of your own life and notice if you like the movie or not. We all have the power to change our storylines if we don't like them. We have the power within ourselves to fall in love with the main character by writing a different script. One where whatever characteristics in a movie-star you love the most shine through in each daily film.
I think then, the question of "Why?!?!" becomes irrelevant, or even petty. You have a chance to see why at the end of each film. You have a chance to watch the progression of the plot and the development over time and of the main character and his or her behaviors. You have a chance to enjoy from a distance and be excited for the next episode. Right? We've all been hooked on a TV series at least once. Of COURSE you want to know what happens next!! You talk about it with your friends all week long til the next Tuesday at 8pm arrives. Then, relief sets in for an hour.... And the cycle begins again! Can't wait til the following Tuesday!
When we can watch from a distance and over time, it all starts to make sense. The seasons build upon each other into box-set DVD's. We see why some relationships end so others can begin. We see why some lessons are harder than others- because we apparently need to work on whatever is being taught to us. We see what makes us laugh and what makes us cry. We learn about the development of the main character and come to love them for them. This is yoga. This is being present. This is non-attachment. And from all this is growth. When we stop growing, we die. First spiritually, then mentally, then physically.
I am rededicating myself to watch my film. To the be observer. Hopefully this will help ween out the "Why??'s" and allow for the teachers to get their message across. Enjoy the ride- with the laughter and sadness and all that lies in between.
Then my next question: "WHY??!?!" Why do I need to learn these certain lessons while others seem to skate right on past??? Dharma. It must be. We all have our own paths to walk.
A few months ago, I was hangin with Maureen, getting deep into philosophical conversation like we always do, and she posed to me a great point-of-view to consider. What if we saw our lives as the observer rather than the actor. Like how we watch films of TV shows. There is always a storyline. Always a setting. There is always a climax. A romance. A lesson learned. A moral to the story. A laugh. A cry. (Well, not always), but you get what I mean. And there is always an ending. One picture perfect, carefully thought-out story with depth, twists, turns, loop-de-loops and smooth sailing. The good thing is, it all always ends up ok. Even if someone dies, its ok. Life goes on. Even in the romance ends, its ok. They move on. And ALWAYS: the lesson is learned. The moral of the story is told. As the observer, we take what we get from the footage and we keep going forward. If only it was this easily applicable to our own lives.
All too often, we see ourselves as the actor, right in the thick of it all. The relationships, twists and turns. The plot, climax and ending. What if, just what if, we could be the observer amongst being the actor. What if we could remove ourselves enough while in solitude to reflect on the day as if it were our own film? We are the star. What if we could watch, laugh, cry (well, not always), learn the lesson and the moral and move on? Totally possible, right?? Sounds easy on paper, right?? Ok. Let's apply.
Sit quietly. Close your eyes. Reflect on the day. The conversations. The interactions. The distractions. Alone time. Work time. Friend time. Things that made you laugh. Cry. Smile. Feel. Mmmmmm. What kind of movie is it when you watch the playback? Is it a comedy, thriller, romance, documentary?? Most of all- do you like what you see? Do you like the main character? Do you fall in love with them just like I fall in love with Froto each night I watch Lord of the Rings?? :)
Seriously. This is cool. To be the observer of your own life and notice if you like the movie or not. We all have the power to change our storylines if we don't like them. We have the power within ourselves to fall in love with the main character by writing a different script. One where whatever characteristics in a movie-star you love the most shine through in each daily film.
I think then, the question of "Why?!?!" becomes irrelevant, or even petty. You have a chance to see why at the end of each film. You have a chance to watch the progression of the plot and the development over time and of the main character and his or her behaviors. You have a chance to enjoy from a distance and be excited for the next episode. Right? We've all been hooked on a TV series at least once. Of COURSE you want to know what happens next!! You talk about it with your friends all week long til the next Tuesday at 8pm arrives. Then, relief sets in for an hour.... And the cycle begins again! Can't wait til the following Tuesday!
When we can watch from a distance and over time, it all starts to make sense. The seasons build upon each other into box-set DVD's. We see why some relationships end so others can begin. We see why some lessons are harder than others- because we apparently need to work on whatever is being taught to us. We see what makes us laugh and what makes us cry. We learn about the development of the main character and come to love them for them. This is yoga. This is being present. This is non-attachment. And from all this is growth. When we stop growing, we die. First spiritually, then mentally, then physically.
I am rededicating myself to watch my film. To the be observer. Hopefully this will help ween out the "Why??'s" and allow for the teachers to get their message across. Enjoy the ride- with the laughter and sadness and all that lies in between.
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